Date sent:      	Mon, 21 Jun 1999 11:47:35 -0400
To:             	stewarte@mediaone.net
From:           	"Ernie's House of Whoop Ass" 
Subject:        	ADMIN: Listen The Fuck Up

Dear Stupid People,

And no, I'm not referring to everyone...allow me to explain myself and
you'll know whether or not I'm talking to you.

This weekend, I received seven copies of the following e-mail:

     >Netscape and AOL have recently merged to form the largest internet company
     >in the world.  In an effort to remain at pace with this giant, Microsoft
     >has introduced a new email tracking system as a way to keep Internet
     >Explorer as the most popular browser on the market.  This email is a beta
     >test of the new software and Microsoft has generously offered to compensate
     >those who participate in the testing process.  For each person you send
     >this email to, you will be given $5.  For every person they give
     >it to, you will be given an additional $3.  For every person they send it
     >to you will receive $1. Microsoft will tally all the emails produced under
     >your name over a two week period and then email you with more instructions.
     >This beta test is only for Microsoft Windows users because the email
     >tracking device that contacts Microsoft is embedded into the code of
     >Windows 95 and 98.
     >Testimonial from my sender: I know you guys hate forwards.  But I started
     >this a month ago because I was very short on cash.  A week ago I got an
     >email from Microsoft asking me for my address.  I gave it to them and
     >yesterday I got a check in the mail for $800.  It really works.  I wanted
     >you to get a piece of the action.  You won't regret it.

Now, if you sent me this, or are thinking of sending me this, or would
consider sending me this, then I'm speaking to you. You are a dumb fucking
idiot. I honestly and sincerely hope that you die very soon. Like before
you even get the chance to finish this e-mail. 

THINK about the fucking concept here. Do you really believe, deep down in
that feeble attempt at a fucking brain that you have, that this is a real
offer? Can you honestly stand there and say to yourself, "Yeah the company
that is so fucking cheap they charge $90 for a fucking UPGRADE is going to
send me five fucking dollars for every person I send this fucking e-mail to." 

Smarten the fuck up. Do you honestly fucking believe this load of shit? If
you do, please do me a favor. Draw yourself a nice bath. Climb in. Submerge
your head under water. Breathe deeply. Repeat until dead. And take your
fucking children with you because they'll probably be as fucking stupid as
you are when they grow up.

Let me offer you a tiny bit of a fucking clue here. Do you have any fucking
wild idea who starts these little fucking chain letters? Well, allow me to
disspell the fucking mystery for you. Spammers. 

"Well Ernie, I'm obviously a dumb fucking idiot. What is a spammer?"

A spammer is the worthless gorilla's abortion that sends you all these get
rich quick e-mails. And the offers for free legal advice if you just visit
their website. And viagra by mail order. And how to make $5000 a week at
home by working only 20 minutes a day. And every other piece of shit e-mail
that clogs up your fucking mailbox and makes you fucking groan and curse
every time you get one.

Just how the fuck do you think they get your e-mail address? I'll fucking
tell you. You fucking give it to them, you stupid cocksucker. Every time
you forward out one of these dumb fucking no chance of happening it can't
possibly be fucking real e-mails, you are doing their legwork for them. One
copy of this e-mail had one hundred and thirty fucking three e-mail
addresses on it -- mine among them. And I'll fucking guarantee you that
some worthless fuck of a spammer is going to get a copy of it somewhere and
be like, "Well, I'll add these poor bastards to my spam list."

Every time you forward one of these fucking things out, you spam yourself,
me, and everyone else on that you fucking send it to.

Many of you write in and ask, "hey I'm getting all this worthless spam
mail. Can you flame them and make them stop?" 

No, but you can help yourself is you rub those two fucking brain cells you
have together and get a spark of a fucking clue. STOP forwarding out these
stupid fucking obviously impossible sounds too good to be true because it
fucking is e-mails or I will fucking kill you. Dead. I will eat your
fucking heart while it is still beating. In front of your family.

For now on anytime I get any of these fucking e-mails, and I don't give a
fucking rats ass who the fuck you are how long you've been a fucking
subscriber or how big your tits are or how big of a fan you are, I'm going
to send your address out on a weekly e-mail that I'm going to start compiling.

Pissed off beyond all fucking comprehension,

Ernie "Two Flushes"

New people: No, I don't normally do this, I know this isn't what you signed
up for, etc, etc, etc. Don't worry it gets better.



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==========      Ernie's House of Whoop Ass       =========
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==============  Nemo me impune lacessit! =================
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I claim no authoring or copyright protection with any of these postings
sent out on my humor list, as I only collect and distribute them. Any
original material written by me in this posting is not copyrighted and you
can do whatever the flying fuck you want with it.

Check out the House of Whoop Ass at  http://www.ernieshouseofwhoopass.com

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