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How to be a "Pushy Parent" Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D. One of the greatest fears I have encountered in parents of gifted children is being perceived as "pushy." There are overly cautious about providing appropriate home stimulation, for fear that friends, neighbors and relatives will perceive their child’s advancement as the result of their pressuring and overinvestment. Many parents who are also trained as teachers have tried to defend themselves from attack by offering, "I didn’t teach her to read. Honest. She did it on her own when I wasn’t looking." Why should parents be afraid of teaching their children anything they want to teach them? It is abundantly clear from the literature that prodigies, MacArthur Fellows and individuals who achieved fame by the age of 35, all had the benefit of rich home stimulation before they were of school age (Bloom, 1985; Feldman, 1986). We know that parents are their children’s first teachers, so why aren’t they prized for exercising that role effectively? For that matter, why aren’t parents prized just for being good parents? As a society, we are quick to blame parents but we are not as good at recognizing and acknowledging good parenting. Parents of gifted children have been placed in a no-win situation. If they try to develop their children’s abilities to their fullest, they often find themselves in an adversarial position with the schools. Schools have a different agenda. The child needs to fit in with the system, to learn to get along with agemates, to learn to do boring work even if nothing is learned by it, because that’s the only way she will learn to live in the "real world." And the purpose of school is to prepare the child for that "real world." If the parents assume that the school is right and that their child needs to adjust to the norms of the group, then the child often feels that her individuality is not cherished, that the parents have abandoned her to the needs of the system. Until there are federal laws protecting gifted children and assuring that they get an education commensurate with their needs, parents will have to bear the burden of being their children’s advocates – even when it means being branded "a pushy parent." It is the squeaky wheel that gets oiled. These children are too young to advocate for themselves. In as polite and cooperative a manner as possible, parents need to continue to inform the schools of the needs of their children and to monitor to make sure those needs are being met. They need to get together with other parents so that they don’t feel as vulnerable. Strong parent advocacy groups can often accomplish more than a single family. Perhaps "pushy parent" needs to be perceived as a compliment. Yes, I am a parent who cares deeply about my child. I care more about my child than about my reputation. I am willing to push the school system to respond to the unique needs of my child. Being "pushy" only becomes problematic under the following circumstances:
Only the parents can determine if any of these charges are accurate and need to be corrected. If,upon soul searching, none of these apply, then the false accusations will have to be ignored in favor of the more important goal of making sure their child’s needs are being met. REFERENCES Bloom, B. S. (Ed.). Developing talent in young people. New York: Ballantine. Feldman, D.H., with L. T. Goldsmith. (1986). Nature’s gambit: Child prodigies and the development of human potential. New York: Basic Books. |
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